


Dating Games Are Not for the Faint of Heart

by Official_Biscuit_Moron



Category: Gintama
Genre: M/M, Someone Please Give Hasegawa A Hug, but his lenses have a special sheen to them today, gintoki flees from the confrontation and responsibility nipping at his heels, kagura is a kind and compassionate friend, shinpachi is as smooth as ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:02:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25779385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Official_Biscuit_Moron/pseuds/Official_Biscuit_Moron
Summary: “What are you doing here, Madao?” Kagura asks disdainfully. Shinpachi nods in fervent agreement, schemes of polite dissuasion already brewing in his mind.“Ah,” says Hasegawa, and fiddles with the edge of his suit jacket. “Well. Is Gin-san here? I’ve just got something to ask him.”/ / /Aka Hasegawa's just got something to ask Gintoki!
Relationships: Hasegawa Taizou/Sakata Gintoki
Comments: 12
Kudos: 29





	Dating Games Are Not for the Faint of Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pearthery](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pearthery/gifts).



> the stinky old man agenda has been furthered. *salute*

Hasegawa pats his sweaty hands off on his shirt, then bravely chooses to ring the doorbell. The sound is muffled and tinny, distant through old, worn-out speakers, then rhythmic footsteps approach and Kagura whips open the door. Shinpachi appears, too, and they both grimace at him.

“What are you doing here, Madao?” Kagura asks disdainfully. Shinpachi nods in fervent agreement, schemes of polite dissuasion already brewing in his mind.

“Ah,” says Hasegawa, and fiddles with the edge of his suit jacket. “Well. Is Gin-san here? I’ve just got something to ask him.” 

“Gin-chan is shitting, yes? Leave him be.”

“Ah,” Hasegawa says again, and tries to avoid Kagura’s scorching glare. He feels his goatee start to singe off, and presses his fingers to it quickly; his goatee has been with him through all the all the bad times, and even through all the slightly less bad but still bad times. He can’t let it slip away like everything else in his life.

Shinpachi’s lenses develop a menacing gleam, a sure sign that he’s about to make some sort of tsukkomi comment, but the toilet flushes before he can and they all turn to look expectantly at the bathroom door. 

Hasegawa gulps nervously and fusses with his jacket again, smoothing down the lapel and the yellow pocket square (which is actually just a tissue that a dog happened to pee on as he was about to blow his nose with it). The sink turns on, and he tries to pull the hem of his pants down so that they cover his bony ankles, brushes some dirt off his shoes; the sink turns off, and he nervously straightens his tie. Kagura and Shinpachi watch him with a sort of fixed, disgusted fascination, then the bathroom door opens, and they all turn abruptly to stare at Gintoki.

He stares back, at each of them in turn, then does a double take and looks again at Hasegawa. “Um,” he says.

“Hello, Gin-chan,” Kagura says calmly, meeting Hasegawa’s eyes with blistering abandon. His hand finds his goatee again. “How was your shit?”

“Kagura-chan, really,” Shinpachi admonishes. “You shouldn’t ask about stuff like that, you know. It’s not proper.”

Hasegawa tries to catch Gintoki’s attention, but there’s no response; Gintoki is too busy trying not to catch his to notice. 

“Come on, Shinpachi, everyone shits, yes? What’s wrong with checking up on someone’s shit? Even Otsuu-chan shits—don’t try to deny it, she really does. You know, when we were working together, she would stop in the middle of recording to take very long dumps, and I always asked her how they were, because I’m a good sort of friend, who checks up on her friends’ shits, not a bad sort of friend that leaves them to suffer, yes? Wondering if anyone cares enough about them to ask how their shit was. Did you know, Shinpachi, that asking someone how their shit was can actually make their day? How do you know that I didn’t make Gin-chan’s day by asking him how his shit was, huh?”

“Uh, I can pretty safely guarantee that you didn’t make Gin-san’s day by asking him that,” he replies dryly. “And, while I guess I can see where you’re coming from, Otsuu-chan doesn’t poop, Kagura-chan. She simply doesn’t. She expels small, perfumed, pink puffs of air, and that’s all.”

Kagura makes a face exactly like the face she made upon seeing Hasegawa at the door. “That’s gross, Shinpachi. Really gross, yep, definitely grosser than shit. Don’t delude yourself like that.”

Eyeing them all, Gintoki tries to subtly sidle into the office area of the Yorozuya, but Hasegawa, jittering with nerves, calls after him just as he’s about to turn the corner. “Hey, Gin-san!”

Gintoki jumps. “Huh? Who’s that?” he asks, inching one foot into the other room. “Gin-san? Never heard of him. Huh?”

Hasegawa insists, “Gin-san, wait! I’ve got something to ask you!”

“Ask? What’s that? Huh?”

“Gin-san!” Hasegawa cries desperately as Gintoki’s perm disappears around the corner, and is about to follow him when he’s stopped by two hands, one on each of his arms. 

He turns, slowly and with dread, to face them, and is greeted by the sight of two demonic, beastly creatures with glowing red eyes and sharp stabs of teeth. One of them has glasses perched on its long nose.

The one with glasses gestures pointedly at the top right corner of the screen, and he looks — oh. “You failed,” it says. Oh. It’s in bold, red letters, dripping with bright blood the same color as the creatures' eyes. Oh. The other creature directs him helpfully to the top left corner. “And you will always fail,” it continues. A pixel of blood splats onto the smooth, grainy floor. A tear splats onto the keyboard. Hasegawa snaps the laptop shut and pushes his head into his hands.

He doesn’t know why he thought playing “Gintama Dating Simulator” would be a good idea.

**Author's Note:**

> hasegin feat. a twist even i didn't see coming
> 
> (gintama dating simulator is the single most complex and difficult to beat game in the history of everything; the only one who has ever successfully completed it, without failing once, is elizabeth [whose slick moves and piercing gaze are enough to move anyone's heart]. it also has lots of dramatic, high-quality cg cut scenes that fuel gintoki's old man rage)
> 
> (yoooo, here's a petition to support blm: http://chng.it/hH6hNqBXDH)


End file.
